Suzette

“I was breathing in fire. I was burning inside. Blazing, excruciating fiery breaths…The thought of dragons but instead of breathing out flames, the flames roared inside me from the tip of my nose through my lungs.”

CLARK, NEW JERSEY: I work in a hospital as a nurse case manager where I collaborate with patients, loved ones, doctors, and members of the interdisciplinary team to coordinate a safe discharge for patients. 

I was grateful to be working because many people were unable to work during the COVID surge and stay at home mandate. I took every precaution to stay safe. Working in healthcare during the pandemic was very stressful, with so many uncertainties about the virus.  I admire my healthcare colleagues for their resilience. I can’t say for sure where I contracted the COVID-19 virus. It could have been at work or at the supermarket. I will never know.

As the COVID-19 positive cases and deaths grew, I took extra precautions at home. I moved into the guest bedroom, wore a bandana, and didn’t eat meals with my family. I watched all the Governor’s briefing and searched online for more information on COVID-19. I honestly felt it was only a matter of time before I contracted the virus. 

Monday 

As the surge continued to rise,

The sense of doom grew inside of me

Unable to sleep,

Feeling a sense of dread driving to work Monday morning,

My stomach felt queasy and even my morning coffee didn’t taste quite right...

I walked onto the unit,

Saw the exchange of nurses handing off to the next shift,

Twenty minutes later, a young COVID-19 patient stopped breathing,

Code team responding...

The team donning PPE

A moment of silent thought as I closed my eyes, and adjust my mask,

This is our new reality with COVID-19.

Continued to work on my patient cases,

Twenty minutes later, across the hall from the code, a second COVID patient stops breathing 

Second Code Team is dispatched.

I feel, I don’t know what to feel,

Fear

Pain

Numbness

Disbelief 

Doom

Both patients are transported with the Code Teams to the critical care units,

Intubated, fighting the virus to live,

My colleagues fighting to save their lives, 

More positive COVID patients are admitted throughout the day.

I go home feeling defeated, scared...

I compose myself in the driveway,

Place my shoes in the garage,

Greet my family quickly as I rush to the bathroom to shower,

Hot scalding shower, to wash away the virus, the fear, the sadness,

To hide my tears and quiet cry

I wear a bandanna over my nose and face while I prepare dinner,

My family thinks I am overreacting to the virus,

My family sits at the dinner table, 

I eat in the next room.

After dinner, I walk to the guest bedroom and close the door.

I have been socially distancing at home for weeks.

I try to find the silver lining for today,

I need something positive,

When I remember, 30 years ago today my dear husband asked me to be his “girlfriend”, 

I hang on to that happy thought,

Send my family a good night and love you text,

No more hugs and kisses,

Another sleepless night filled with worries of the unknown and wondering what will COVID bring tomorrow...

Little did I know by Friday I would be quarantined in a room behind the door,

I witnessed first hand what the virus does to patients I care for

And now I know it’s horror in my body, mind, and soul.

Friday

It had been a difficult and

stressful couple of weeks,

I could never have imagined working

as a Nurse during a pandemic,

The COVID 19 virus was on the rise

In New Jersey and New York,

Left work yesterday with a

Horrible headache and

I coughed a few times

throughout the day,

My stomach was in knots

I was concerned

So many suffering with the virus,

I usually take Advil but

before I went to bed I took

Tylenol, hoping it would

Alleviate my horrible headache.

Friday morning,

Headache, scratchy throat,

Stomach ache

No cough

7 o’clock in the morning, drove to work,

Feeling stressed

As I started my day

Felt my mid back, shoulders and

neck tense and ache

The effects of stress I told myself.

In the back of my mind

I feared COVID 19

11 o’clock as I typed on my computer,

My vision blurred, everything started to swirl,

Closed my eyes, and thought

I should have tried to eat

Something this morning

Took in deep breaths

Through the mask and

My vision cleared,

Back to work

A few minutes later, I felt the strangest

Sensation all over my body,

An aura floating around me,

I recall saying

Oh I don’t feel good and

placed both my hands on

the desk to brace myself

As the aura floated all around my body,

I felt the coldest icy sensation

starting at the back of my neck,

Slowly running down my spine,

Chills, turned to icy cold

white hands,

To full-body shivering,

Teeth chattering

It hit me all at once

Oh my God, I have COVID-19

My body has started the battle

Against this virus

Please help me....

Next Monday

Day four of being quarantine,

So many unknowns about COVID-19

Every day a new symptom emerged,

The relentless coughing

And nausea,

Chills, body aches, headache,

And abdominal pain,

Unable to sleep,

Nothing prepared me for

what was to come for the

next 36 hours

I felt physically and

mentally drained,

Then the strangest sensation started at the tip of my nose and with each breath I took, I felt it

Going down my throat

And into my lungs,

Mild at first, then for hours

I was breathing in fire,

I was burning inside,

Blazing,

Excruciating fiery breaths,

I need to breath but each breath

I took ignited the flames

burning inside,

I thought of dragons,

The image of dragons but

instead of breathing out flames,

The flames roared inside me,

from the tip of my nose,

through my lungs

I was in COVID hell!

When the flames extinguished for a few hours at a time,

I searched for COVID symptoms

and testing sites

The flames always returned,

This was my breaking point,

I was considering going

to the hospital.

I need to know do I have COVID 19?

Four o’clock in the morning,

I leave a note for my family

Going to testing center,

I arrive at the COVID testing center

before five am on Tuesday,

The Police Officers directing the

already long line of cars,

I sit and suffer the flames,

I count the number of cars to

make sure I will be 1 of the 500

COVID 19 tests allowed each day,

I count about 100 cars ahead me,

And wait,

At eight o’clock, the line starts to move.

I see Military men and women

directing the cars,

When I reach the Nurses in full PPE,

Their names written on the front

of the PPE gown,

I was instructed to keep

my mask on,

I could only open my

window one inch,

I answered the screening questions,

And felt relieved when I was told

I qualified for the COVID swab test.

I was handed paperwork through my cracked window and instructed to place the tag with the number 94 on my dashboard.

I was 94 out of the 500 others suffering from COVID that would be tested today

The Nurse says to me

you don’t look well, stay strong

I wish I could remember her name

The swab test was complete

I was driving back home by 10:30

Wondering when the

blazing fire would start again,

Behind the door,

I wondered and worried what next!?!

* Honored to have my poem published in the New Jersey Nurse & Institute for Nursing Newsletter under the topic of “The Year of the Nurse 2020: Honoring Heroic NJ Nurses in the Pandemic”

The door

The coughing, nausea and chills

Came in waves of severity,

Didn’t know what to expect next

Behind the door, I assured my family

I was okay

I wasn’t....

Feeling scared and exhausted

The headaches, body aches, cough

And abdominal pain

Were never ending,

I hoped the social distancing I did at

home before the symptoms started was

enough to keep my family safe

Hoping the door was enough of a barrier now

A knock on the door,

At first, it was just fluids I could

tolerate and Tylenol

As the COVID 19 virus worked its

way through my body,

A knock on the door

Was my meals and homemade cookies

The door,

Became my solace,

Protecting the family I love

I am sure our pet dog didn’t

quite understand why

I stayed behind the door

The day I received the call with

the test result,

I was relieved because it confirmed

what I knew when the first

ice-cold chill ran down my spine

so many days ago,

I have COVID-19

Behind the door,

I was still a mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, Nurse, colleague

Once the door finally opened,

I became a COVID 19 survivor!!!

Forever grateful and appreciative

Of health, life, and love...